According to Whitney Houston, it's "How will I know if he really loves me?" but Elton John thinks it's "Can you feel the love tonight?" Google thinks it's "What's my IP?" but of course Google would think that.
We answer IAQs via email at email@example.com. One important IAQ that we wanted to toss out here is "Did you know that Amy Schumer and Chuck Schumer are second cousins?"
We don't care for biases. Yes, those types of questions don't come around often, and sometimes they're not infrequent. But we like them anyway. An example of an AQ is "Has anyone ever eaten Buffalo Wings in Chicago and Chicago Pizza in Buffalo on the same day?"
First, breathe. Second, it'll be okay. We're gonna make this right. Take a picture of the damaged box or product and email it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we'll get you replacement product while we figure out what went wrong. Maybe the driver took a corner like Dom Turetto in Fast 5?
Our grandmother could fix anything with a kiss, but don't worry, we won't kiss you. Yes, we'll fix it! What's broken? What's wrong? Tell us! Why are we all yelling?! Oh, okay, that's better. We'll get to the bottom of it. Start with an email, and we'll make it ripe.
Did your package grow legs and walk off your porch? We've been around the block, honey, and nothing surprises us anymore. Let's get to the bottom of it like the Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated team!
Be the change you want to see in this world. And shoot us an email. If we haven't already slapped it onto the delivery wagon, we'll give it the old label switcheroo.
We're waiting with bated breath, too! What a weird word, bated. Very Shakespearean. Methinks I shall giv'st thee a bated portion of curds and whey, fair Muffet upon your tuffet. Anyway, type in your order number under TRACK, and you should see up-to-date delivery info.
Everything schmeverything we do is fancy schmancy. So, of course, we have a fancy schmancy tracking schmacking page here.
It's like a box but more rectangular. Oh, okay, it's what we call a box. But ours are the coolest, Avo says.
We send out non-temperature-sensitive orders Monday through Friday, and they may arrive over the weekend, depending upon the carrier. Temperature-sensitive items we only ship Monday through Wednesday, because we don't want them forgotten on a dock or doorstep somewhere melting or getting soggy in a rainstorm.
Our shipping materials are all curbside recyclable, and many of our products come in recyclable (and upcyclable-reusable) glass containers. Feel free to show your creativity in reusing any of our product or shipping materials in awesome ways by tagging us @mercadoavocado on Instagraham Crackers. Play fort, yes! Embarrassed anonymous sports fan, sure! Hang glider, ehhh, let's think about this...
Dallas, Texas. The Big D. Home of Jerryworld, J.R. Ewing, and the birthplace of the frozen margarita machine. We drive your package right down the Central Distressway to parts unknown and then to your doorstep.
Right now, we don't ship internationally, but sign up for our email list, and we'll let you know as soon as we do!
Run really fast to meet us in the middle. Or send us an email at email@example.com, and we'll see what we can do. Extra dollars may apply.
If you clicked the wrong button or you changed your mind, just let us know ASAP. If you tell us quick, we may be able to catch it before it goes out. If the ship has sailed, we may have a tougher time changing things up.
We want you to be satisfied. With life. With your choices. With your Mercado Avocado orders. We guarantee your satisfaction, so reach out to us, and we'll make it right. If we can't make it right, we'll make it rain. As in: rain refund dollars.
Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we'll talk to our El Jefe about your brand. Maybe we can make a deal. Maybe together we can get somewhere.
Quarantastic, like everybody!
If you sign up for our email newsletter, you won't have to wonder! Or you can follow us on the Eastergram @mercadoavocado. But rest assured--and we hope every night when you lie down to sleep, you're prepared to rest assured--that we will be releasing more products than you can shake several sticks at.
We like scratch-and-sniff stickers and artisanal dark chocolate, but if you prefer to use words and pictures, please type us an email, post a review, tag us on the Gram, or send a trained Homing pigeon with a cute little box the size of a fortune cookie around its neck. (Whisper, "Fly to Mercado Avocado in Dallas, you sweet, sweet, flying breadcrumb-scavenger!" and he'll know the way.)
On the product labels, true. And in photographic evidence on our website, also true. And from your friends who have already purchased one of the products on our website, true again. From made-up phoney-baloney websites not called Mercado Avocado or the brand name? Definitely not true.
Thank you the heck for asking! Mercado means "market" in both Spanish and Portugese. It comes from the Latin word "mercari," that meant, "How's your momma 'n them?" Oh, right, nevermind. That also meant market. Mercados are fun places! You should visit one sometime! Oh, right! You are! Right now! Er, ripe now! Why are we yelling again?!
Beads, baubles, sparklies, and pirate doubloons. Only if sent through the interweb. Otherwise, we take all of the cards that make payments happen around the world with numbers and stripes and holograms and chips and swipes. All of those.
You can visit the website of a given brand (like casaverdefoods.com) to see where else you can find their products, if you want to buy it in a store with a roof and walls. But if you like the open air market of the Internets, we're the one and only spot.
Here, right here at this very webtastic website. My dial up modem isn’t working, can I order over the phone? As much as it breaks our hearts, we only sell via the Internet. Until last week, you could buy from Mercado Avocado via telegram, paper boat, Pony Express, steamboat ferry, facsimile, mimeograph, collect telephone call, and I.O.U. written on a lottery ticket. But starting a week ago (you JUST missed it!), we switched our policy to exclusively Internet orders. If we change it back, we'll send you a smoke signal.
We think you should send a fax to 1984 or to any business that still sends and receives faxes. Because nothing was as uplifting as receiving a 200-page faxed breakup letter filled with reasons why we're never, ever getting back together from your popstar girlfriend.
Random Tidbits FAQ
His parents think it's genetics, but Avo attributes his cuteness to a disciplined skincare regimen, staying properly hydrated, and consuming only heart-healthy monounsaturated fats. And who is Avo? WHO? IS? AVO? YOU? ASK? (He's a little offended that you haven't heard of him already, but he'll get over it. Avocados have famously short memories.) Avo is a hard-working avocadude who's trying to make a name for himself in this world by slinging groceries, shaking hands, and kissing babies. Right now, he's recording his folk album, Ripe for the Pickin', writing an opera, Avo Maria, and finishing up his new cookbook, Avo Cado's Toast. He's busy, but he's trying to keep his feet on the ground while still reaching for the stars. His memoir, Guac This Way, will be released exclusively at Borders and Waldenbooks in 2022.
Dot Comstock loves her some snacks. Sometimes, when she's feeling sassy, she spells it "snax." She's a pistol, that Dot. Her favorite snack is a sort-of homemade chex mix that she makes with freeze-dried grapefruit, sous vide crackers, and mushroom-infused mushrooms, all tossed in a dark chocolate ganache.